Recently my boyfriend broke up with me. I say recently, but a great amount of time has passed; or so people say. We were going steady for a year, and suddenly things ended without an honest reason. My mind and body had been so unconsciously fulfilled by his company, that my mind wondered for him when he was gone.
I could walk you down the path of details and despair, but I don’t believe my story is far from cliche. ‘Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, boy makes girl fall in love, boy leaves’. Unfortunately for me, no cliffhanger. I could not lie and say I haven’t scripted a thousand happily ever after endings, but all are stagnant in pre-production due to bad casting.
Since prince charming’s departure, I have been floating in and out of bitterness, caused by his deceit and betrayal. Publicly embarrassed by my personal sadness and his not so private profile. Stumped by minor depression awaiting his return. Above it all, then back down again.
I dedicated so much of my time and focus on my partner that I had forgotten about me. I lost my personal pursuit of happiness, finding comfort in what felt everlasting. My aspirations and goals were not at the forefront of my everyday routine, my boyfriend was. I thought we were so in love, but love is just a feeling, and feelings change. At the end of the day, we were both expendable. However, until things ended, I could not see my life without him.
What I have learned from this experience is that, I am the sole-proprietor of me. I am in control of my decisions, feelings, ideas, etc. There are going to be constant external factors that have the potential to sway or interfere with these feelings or ideas, but my reaction is the only determinate of my well being. When you least expect it your life can change completely, how you react to that change is completely your decision.
I was afraid of this first love, but after losing love, I realize I still have love to give. I have shed more than a thousand tears but I am still here. The weight that I once put on the word “Love” crumbled down on me the moment my heart was broken. Now I try to use the word more often to increase its value and lessen expectations of what it’s supposed to be.
Falling in love is beautiful and high expectations are great but you can only set high expectations for yourself, and only hope someone will catch you when you fall. Balance is key, and I can only move forward from here. I take each day to get to know myself a little better, and learn to love myself a little more because there is no realer love than that.
For my ladies going through a love struggle, be honest with yourself about what you want, and what you deserve. You may want this fairy tale ending, but it might be the one you only think you deserve. Don’t let a love loss, stop you from writing your own story. Romantic relationships are not the only happy endings. Don’t tear your heart off your sleeve, but don’t let anyone else tear it off either. Be a solider of love.